It’s different now that you’re older. You are more secure with yourself, more aware of how you treat others, and how you want to be treated. What happens when a friendship goes south? And you’re old enough to know better?
This recently happened to me. I expected something from a very good friend of mine that I didn’t receive. Was this my first mistake? Maybe. Expectations are a double-edged sword. We all have them whether we admit to it or not. When our significant other says they will do something, we EXPECT it to be done. When it doesn’t get done, do we have the right to be mad? Yes, maybe…but should we be mad? Probably not. I expected my friend to treat me a certain way, and when I found out what happened, I wasn’t only mad. I was offended, I was hurt, I was embarrassed, it took me to a depressive state for awhile. I became all the things I hate to be because it means I gave up my power and my self-control. And boy, did I let her know it. Not only that, but I said horrible things. I lashed out. I wanted her to feel as hurt as I had felt.
Now that I’m in my forties, you would THINK that I would know better. You would think I could’ve moved on like an adult and just chalked it up to her own issues. You would think that after our friendship disintegrated that her social media posts wouldn’t bother me. You would think that I could say I’m sorry. Well, I did apologize twice, but I got very little in return. You see, my lashing out then became the main topic. Now SHE is too hurt and offended to talk to me. And the original complaint was left in the dust.
Funny, right? And we are supposed to know better. I have a teenage daughter who probably would’ve handled it better than I did. But live and learn. Sometimes I still don’t understand where to put these emotions. I want to be able to count on my friends. But again, that is expecting something. Is it expecting too much? It is when you get burned. Otherwise, it can feel pretty good to count on someone.
When you do get burned, all we can do is move on from this experience. I have read the Four Agreements and I didn’t pay attention to two of them. I should not have made any assumptions about her actions, nor should I have taken it personally. Then after that, I probably failed at at least more. I did not do my best. Thankfully after talking about it and writing about it, I don’t have the deep, raw emotions anymore. I can look at the situation a little more objectively. I can only control myself.
When I started looking for all the faults within my friend to explain why she’d do such a thing, I saw the ugliness in myself. In fact, that ugliness came out with a vengeance. A personal vendetta against her and the world and myself. The only way to change and move on is to start seeking out the good in others. When I do that, it’s easier to see the good in myself. In fact, it’s the only way to see the good in myself.
Maybe easier said than done, but it makes me feel better already.
